Adult Children of
Emotionally Immature Parents
Here are some of the tell-tale signs…
Emotionally immature parents often have a preoccupation with self and an absence of self-reflection. They may have very little empathy for others, resist emotional intimacy, or always “play the victim.” They’re often emotionally reactive and impulsive, and they struggle with establishing or maintaining clear boundaries or communication. They can be manipulative, imposing, or interfering…
Kelley* is 23 years old. Her mother is 55.
Kelley: What are you doing here, Mom?
Mom: Is that any way to greet your mother? I wanted to surprise you! I used my key and let myself in. I did your laundry for you and brought you some cleaning supplies. I can tell you really need them. How often do you clean the bathroom?
Kelley: Bill and I live together now, Mom. You can’t just pop in and do my laundry. This is his home, too.
Mom: Is he controlling you? I knew he didn’t like me. He’s going to isolate you from your family that loves you so much!
Kelley: No, he is not controlling me. And I’ve told you I don’t want you to do my laundry. I’m not a kid anymore!
Mom (crying): Well, obviously, you’re still a child because you still aren’t grateful for all I do for you.
Kelley: I’m sorry, Mom.
Lisa* is 57 years old. Her mom is 79.
Mom: I think my blood pressure is too high. I need you to come to get me and take me to the Emergency Room.
Lisa: Mom, I told you that I’m visiting with a friend tonight. It’s the first night I haven’t visited you in weeks. This is really important to me.
Mom: How can you say that when this is an emergency?
Lisa: Why don’t you take your blood pressure reading and tell me what it says, okay?
Mom: Never mind. Your friend is obviously more important to you than I am.
Lisa: That’s not it, mom. I need to have a social life.
Mom: You’ll regret it if I die! [Click!]
Melissa* is 31 years old. Her mom is 53.
Mom: I bought us all tickets to see a show on Joshua’s birthday!
Melissa: Mom, Joshua’s birthday is on a school night, and we were planning to just stay in that night for a family dinner. I wish you would have discussed this with me first.
Mom: He can miss one day of school. He’s only seven. It’s not like he’s in high school!
Melissa: I don’t know…
Mom: I spent a lot of money on these tickets, and I promised Joshua I would take him to this show! I can’t wait to see his face when he finds out Grandma got the tickets!
Lindsey* is 30 years old. Her dad is 60.
Dad: I’m done with you!
Lindsey: What? Why?
Dad: Because I sent you an email a week ago, saying that I wanted to stay with you for a week… and you never responded to me.
Lindsey: Dad, I’ve been on vacation and haven’t had a chance to respond to emails.
Dad: Well, I’m sick and tired of not being appreciated by you. I gave you the best life growing up. The least you could do is respond to an email.
Lindsey: Yes, dad, you did provide for me during my childhood, but that has nothing to do with this.
Dad: You bet it does. You don’t appreciate me. I’ll visit your sister instead. She appreciates me!
Kelley, Lisa, Melissa, and Lindsey have a lot in common.
They were all raised by emotionally immature parents.
They’re all feeling frustrated, disrespected, guilty, and unsure about how to handle these situations with their parents.
Even though they’re adults now, they often feel like they’re still “in trouble” with their parents and can’t seem to please them.
But when they try to explain how they feel or set a boundary, their parents react emotionally, and everything just gets worse. So, they give up.
Most adult children of immature parents are so focused on taking care of others that they don’t know how to care for themselves (and they feel guilty for even thinking about it).
Here’s the problem: Chronic self-neglect (rooted in low self-worth) will eventually lead to serious physical, emotional, and relationship issues.
This is affecting their lives in so many ways…
A parent who’s intrusive and critical…
Kelley is in law school and works full-time. She is a high-achiever and a perfectionist. She overthinks everything and feels restless all the time. She has a deep-seated need for validation and finds herself going out of her way to keep the people in her life pleased, even when they mistreat her.
A parent who’s unpredictable and self-absorbed…
Jenny is an architect and has had the same job for 25 years. But she’s never had a romantic relationship for more than a year. She has trouble relaxing and gets distracted easily. She often wonders how people interpret her and sometimes feels paranoid that people are out to get her.
A parent who’s controlling, manipulative, and insecure…
Melissa stays home with her two young children. She struggles with depression, assertiveness, and verbalizing her needs… and feels responsible for other people’s feelings. She feels guilty all the time and constantly second-guesses herself. She worries about passing these patterns onto her children.
A parent who’s highly reactive and invalidating…
Lindsey owns her own business and works 12-hour days. She struggles with delegating tasks to her employees for fear of upsetting anyone. She’s often irritable and unaware of her own emotional needs. She finds herself apologizing all the time.
This is about YOU.
Discover your authentic self…
If you’re tired of living this way and ready to live your life for yourself, therapy can help. Therapy is an investment in yourself, and, contrary to what you’ve been taught, self-care is NOT selfish. Actually, it’s essential.
In therapy, you’ll meet yourself. You’ll explore early parenting patterns and the direct and indirect messages you received about yourself from your parents. You’ll reprocess memories and reframe your beliefs about yourself while learning to care for yourself in new ways.
You will redefine your worth! You may choose to change your definition of “worthy” from one in service to others to one who is the best version of themselves. By changing your definition of self-worth, you’ll begin to value yourself based on your own criteria and value system… not someone else’s.
Approaching relationships in a new way…
Relationships can be particularly challenging when they’ve been affected by an insecure attachment to a parent.
As you heal, grow, and learn to have healthy boundaries in relationships (and rely on yourself for your validation), your existing relationships will change, and you’ll choose new, more balanced connections with others.
You’re worth this investment!
Doing the work of therapy will allow you to redefine yourself, putting a halt to this generational cycle of emotional immaturity once and for all. Creating a legacy you’re proud of is one of the most important gifts you can pass on to future generations.
Are you ready to finally be enough?
Give me a call at (916) 705-2896 or email me at hello@fullcupwellness.com for a free 20-minute consultation.
*The above names and photos are examples and do not reflect actual clients.